friendship and understanding

there are some things that you'll do that i will never understand.  and yet i feel as though i understand you more than anyone else that you know.  but that said, you have no idea how much you understand me.  you pick up on the slightest look, the smallest smile.  you know when I'm happy, sad, you know what I'm thinking.  you get everything about me.  but i think i surprised you today, i said something that took you back but i meant it, i told you why i get concerned for you sometimes.  for your health, wellbeing, and general safety.  the ultimate reason is selfish ill admit but also telling of my true feelings for you.  i want you around, in my life, in literally whatever capacity i can get you.  i want more than anything to be with you but if thats not in the cards, you're going to be in my life forever.  i can't have/let anything happen to you to keep that from happening.  i don't think you really understood that thats how i feel.  I've used the word love before in my life, but for some reason with you its different.  when i say it to you there is joy and pain and longing and security and safety and comfort behind it.  i know that you love me too and i know that you feel that same way.  i also know that I'm completely devoted to being your friend for the rest of my life.  and I'm talking about being a real friend.  real friends don't take they give.  freely and openly and without any thought of self.  my friendship with you is exactly that, i provide myself in every capacity possible.  without thoughts of myself.  i have dreams, hopes, and even potential visions of what the future might have in store for us but regardless of what happens, i will always be a steady rock in your life.  that you can hold on to when times are tough, that you can lean on for support, that you can hug and high five when times are good, that you can always depend on no matter what. period. because i am your friend.  a true friend to you, and likewise you are my best friend, my love, my princess, my shining star in the darkest of nights, my inspiration... you are my rock, a constant in a world that doesn't let up, or treat anyone fairly, or evenly.  you re in my thoughts always, you are the best person that i know and ultimately that best thing thats ever happened to me.  even though we've been through soooo much i know you know all of this but every once and a while, you need to hear it.  life will do what its going to do but as long as you're in mine i count myself as truly happy.  i truly and completely love you.

bad days

we've all had them, lord know there hard to avoid, and even harder to turn around.  and today was one of those days for me.  I'm sorry for dragging you into it.  I'm sorry that you had to see me like this.  i used to be strong in your eyes.  i used to be the rock upon which all waves broke and I've never wavered.  I've always been the one to bring you up.  but dammit you're so fucking amazing.  you took time, out of your busy day to purposefully attempt to bring me up, as i have done for you so many times.  you genuinely cared about me, and tried everything to get me to a better place.  and i left happier than when i cam in, and that was all you.  you didn't have to care but you do.  you don't have to worry about me but you do.  you know what it is that I'm thinking before i even say a word.  you know me better that anyone ever has and i don't understand sometimes how that is or how you have the capacity to care and love that much.  your care for my mindset and your selflessness just proves that my love for you will never be misplaced.  it is spot on, because you have the same level of love of me that i have for you.  god i love you, i love everything about you and as time goes on you give me even more reasons to absolutely love you, without regard for anything but you.  you are my princess, my love, my best friend, my closet confidant, and frankly the very best person I've ever known.  i know that you feel the same way and for that i say thank you!!

lucky girl

that really is what you are, you told me today that you thought that and you have no idea how happy it made me.  i talk about your quality and virtue and character all the time and nothing makes me happier than to know that you realize it.  to know that you are happy.  to know that you realize that you are a lucky girl.  but i think that you're lucky in other ways as well: lucky in your absolute beauty, lucky in the perfection that you posses as a person, lucky to know love and to be open and have care for others.  a care that has a great cost but also reaps great rewards.  those were experienced in part today.  ironically on both sides, but today was different, today you stood your ground.  today you said no, i am strong, i am an individual person that will be treated as such, and today you overcame, you rose up, you stood in the face of adversity, and negativity, and darkness, and you expressed your light and goodness and didn't let those people or negative actions effect you.  your luck also lies in your good fortune, that surrounds you with strong people, that keeps you pushing forward, and gives you the strength that is at the very core of you.  i love you for that. for your strength, your light, your heart, your very being.  you're my best friend, my closest confidant, my inspiration, the sun on a cloudy day, you are literally the only person that i know who has ever brought tears of joy to my eyes.  what ever we are, whatever we end up as, whatever we'll be in the future, you are lucky, but so am i.  my beautiful princess.  my love.

inspiration

I would like to think that i am in maybe just a small part, a source of inspiration for you.  i know that you are without a doubt, a massive source of inspiration for me.  as friends, we lift each other up in so many ways.  i hope that I've had that effect on you.  to pull you out of a dark place and help you see the light.  you do that for me.  you make me see the good in people and you make it very obvious to see the bad, because of the example you set and the way you have about you.  i saw inspiration in your eyes today.  god i love that.  i love seeing that life, that spark that makes you so fucking amazing. its been absent recently bc life has been letting you down, people have been letting you down, i have been letting you down.  but god, when i saw your eyes today, your face, your light, you filled my heart with so much happiness, joy, and inspiration.  regardless of the future, or any type of current wants or needs, or even the imposed distance that we are placing between ourselves, i never want to lose that.  i never want to be unable to have a positive effect on you and i never want to lose the effect that you have on me.  its a loving inspiration that only you can give.  i love you my princess, my best friend, thank you for all that you are and all that you do.

the truth

the truth is that you're amazing.  the truth is that you have had a rough go of it.  the truth is that you deserve more.  there are many truths in life that we all hold dear and we all live by, and when it comes to you those are just a couple of mine.  your strength continues to blow me away.  your ability to continue to move forward against impossible odds is a source of extreme inspiration for me, and it should be for everyone.  if they all only knew what i know, see what i see, they would understand the awe that i experience every day.  we talk, we joke, we laugh, we cry, we swap secret looks that only we could understand, we don't say what we mean but we understand the unspoken.  you're so special and unique and inspiring and you don't even know it.  please know this, understand what it is that your true friends really see.  these others that use you, they see a little, and understand only that you're giving, and they line up to take.  this is a part of you that is unfortunate bc you will never stop even if it kills you.  the truth, my love, is that your ultimate strength and your ultimate weakness is one and the same.  but its part of what i love about you.  and its also part of what has brought us together and what ultimately will keep our friendship forever.  bc you will always need that outside perspective and i will always be there to give it, always.  in whatever form we chose to remain close, you can always count on me for that, for my strength, my integrity, my honesty, my love, support, friendship, loyalty, and steadfastness to you, my best friend, my love, my princess.

Who you really are

you get so down on yourself sometimes and you need to know something: that you allow others to get to you in ways that you shouldn't.  you are perfect.  you are loyal.  you are you are courageous.  you are strong, loving, kind, thoughtful, selfless, and again perfect.  you have to let those that are in your life that are positive win over the ones thats aren't. you do not deserve to have others treating you as they do, you know what I'm talking about, they don't deserve a place in your life.  you have paid the price to life and should be collecting right now, not continuing to pay.  especially considering how much of yourself you give without care for what you get in return.  i love you sooooo much my princess. I'm worried about you and you know why.  you are again paying the price literally as i type this.  and whilst i feel sooooo helpless, and worried for you, i can only think of how amazing you are.  i love you.  i really fucking love you my baby.

reasons

so i should give some type of explanation, a reason for all of this.  I'm not pining for attention, or being crazy.  i am simply using a modern method to write to and for you.  our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents utilized pen and paper and mail, to correspond and tell each other of their undying devotion for each other.  our generation has lost that.  we don't spend the time to put into written word our thoughts, and feelings, and aspirations and dreams.  but you know i feel you're different, beautiful, striking.  you deserve something different, you deserve the truth, you deserve to know what i really feel, in written word, to keep, to read privately, to know that feeling that has brought people together for generations, a feeling that we, unfortunately have lost.  you are timeless, and as such deserve a timeless love, without bounds and the restrictions of our modern fast paced lives.  the time taken to compose this is just one of the many ways i show that love.  i starred into your eyes today and saw on your face the feelings lying beneath.  that keeps me me going, it keeps me on course.  you have that effect on me, and i love you for that, my love, my princess, my best friend.

what a day

holy fuck that all i have to say, and you know why.  it started great with me knowing you were there before i even saw you, but then it went down hill.  that said you got me through it.  you listened to me bitch and complain even though you had the same type of day.  but then you said something, those three little words that have the ability to warm my heart. you know you do that.  for so many reasons, i know that I've ruined that which you love.  you're so amazing though and you don't blame me, you look to other sources for that.  that makes me feel hope, that you feel the way that you do even though I've done what I've done, in my own typical fashion.  i told you today that i usually don't let people in or let them close, the reason is bc i know that i always mess it up.  i always find a way to let them down.  you can't know how amazing you make me feel but also how terrible i feel for what I've done, to you the one i love.  i don't know what the future holds for us.  i don't know where life will take us, but i pray that it finds you in my arms once again.  my love.

number 2

another day another post, my heart skipped a beat today when i saw your face.  i couldn't say what i wanted to, i wanted to tell you how beautiful you were/are.  i wanted to put my arms around you, i wanted to kiss you, free of care, free of concern.  concern for the thoughts and looks of others.  concern for the appearance of what is truly in our hearts.  you slipped though, a gesture, albeit small, a look that gave you away, and my heart skipped a beat again.  i spoke today to the artist that is making a special piece for you, we traded concepts on everything from a necklace to earrings and we are narrowing it down to the necklace i think.  it'll most likely be a dagger pendant in silver with sapphires set into the handle.  sapphires being your native birthstone.  it'll look similar to the daggers you once showed me.  i love you my princess. i know you know that.

A Beginning

This is a chronicle of my thoughts, dreams, aspirations, success's, and failures.  For those that i love it is an introspective, a look at the man they know.  To my friends, it is deeper look at the person they think they know. There is one person in particular that I'm writing to.  When you read this you'll gain insight as to what you really mean to me, which is everything.  You will eventually read this and hopefully understand why.  This isn't to embarrass you or to keep things from you.  It is to put into words what cannot be said but what we both think.  It is really only for you, my love.