freaked out

when i spoke to you on the phone i was still kind of in shock, with adrenaline flowing through my veins i wasn't even able to keep my hands still.  i can't tell you this, but all i was thinking about was you.  that was the only thing running through my mind.  for what seemed like an eternity, time stopped and my thought immediately went to you.  i didn't want it to be over, i wanted more time, all i could think about was never getting to see your face.  never getting to hear your voice.  never getting to hold you in my arms.  I've only cried a couple of times in my adult life and when the car stopped and i could breath again, i did just that.  knowing that i almost missed the chance to see you one last time, to hear you laugh, to hold your hand, i was so freaked out.  i would immediately thought that nobody would understand what i was feeling but after having the time to reflect, i know that you know exactly what i was feeling.  when it happened i wasn't able to get my phone, they wouldn't let me call you.  i felt at that moment so alone in this world.  unable to talk to the one person i truly care about.  which caused me so much stress.  i can't even describe the horrible thoughts that were going through my mind with regards to what might happen, what might become of me.  i do know when you came into my thought i felt both incredibly happy and terribly sad at the same time.  i thought i was going to die.  and had that been the case you would have been in my thoughts until the last second.  but at the same time my heart was filled with so much regret.  such a sense of failure and lack of accomplishment.  but not professionally, i felt in that split second that lasted so long, as though i had failed you, i had failed to make you realize the truth of how i feel.  that i had let the one thing that I've ever really known to be right and good, with every ounce of my being, out of my hands. and as i sat down after the entire ordeal i was filled with so many conflicted emotions. i was happy beyond belief that my number hadnt been called.  i was grateful that i had been spared.  but at the same time i was filled with several realizations.  that i could've been taken from this world in that instant and that i could've gone without ever really acting on the only true and perfect love that I've ever known.  you can't know everything that went through my mind in those brief moments.  i still can't find all of the words to properly describe my thoughts and emotions.  but i can tell you that everything in me was focused on trying to get out of this safely enough to see you again. i love you soooooo much my perfect princess.  you can't ever fully know but i really do.

stress and recovery

i can only imagine what you've gone through over the last couple of days.  the stress and anxiety that you've endured shouldn't be forced on anybody.  there are many reasons for what happened and whilst you mentioned a few, there are probably more and you don't deserve those either.  i know i can sometimes add to this and believe me when i say that I'm sorry for that.  i can sometimes be selfish, not fully understanding your situation.  i only think of myself at those moments and my need to hear your voice.  my act was self-serving and i shouldn't have even brought it up.  i never want you to feel like that and i appreciate what you told me.  you don't need yet another stresser in your life.  you need a friend that you can rely on.  someone to lean on.  not someone who acts selfishly.  for that i apologize and hopefully you know that i never want to be that for you.  quite the opposite.  as you try to recover from this last week i hope you are able to put the stressers out of your mind and try to focus on the good.  you deserve to remember these times as positive.  this inevitably brings me to the greater point.  you told me today that you have so much stressing you out lately and that its starting to become almost too much.  i want so badly to step in and help you try to fix whatever those things are.  but i know i can't.  these are battles that you must fight alone. things that must be handled or conquered by you, and whilst i am here to support you, and give you advise, things will not get better until you take hold of these things and turn them around. you know more than anything else i want you to be happy.  i just wish i knew how to make that so.  i wish i had the one simple answer to most of your problems.  you know that i am always here for you.  i can always be counted on.  please don't ever take my intentions as anything but.  as you recover from this latest adventure, do your best to start facing these things that are stressing you.  build solutions into your life for these problems, i hate seeing you stressed.  i hate hearing it in your voice.  it tares me down knowing that you aren't happy or content and that you've got too much to worry about.  i long to hear your care free laugh again.  that beautiful smile on your face deserves a permanent home.  you need to fill your life with the things and people that make you the happiest and do not leave room for anything or anyone else.  if that means closing the chapter on this part of your life and moving then so be it.  i will always be there for you and that won't change no matter how far apart life has us.  wherever the stress is coming from, please my love, take that enormous amount of strength that i love about you and focus it on the positive and on getting rid of whatever it is that is keeping you down.  you are strong beyond measure, life prior stresses have given you that.  i only beg that you harness it now for your own happiness and wellbeing.  i love you my princess.  since the moment i laid eyes on you I've always know in some way that i would.  and i always will.  you have my support in everything.  and my help as far as i can lend it.

impact of you

hopefully you are having an amazing time with your sister in cali.  i wanted to write this to you to recognize your birthday and share some of my thoughts with you.  i know that you are not into celebrating your birthday and that you don't like that kind of recognition and you've shared some of your thoughts about it with me.  so please allow me to do the same:

most people view birthdays as a celebration of one accomplishments throughout their life or some type of milestone for having gotten this far.  others view them as a clock, ticking either up or down depending on where that person is in life.  i tend to take the celebration route but in a different way.  i choose to celebrate not the accomplishments of the person but the impact that they have had on the people around them.  i believe that recognition should be given not for having gotten this far but for having touched the people around you in a positive way.  and i agree with you that people should be celebrated everyday not just once a year, and you know that i try to do this not with everyone but especially with you.  that said, i also believe that one day set aside for this type of recognition isn't inappropriate, especially for you.  so in the spirit of this i would like you to know a couple of things, some of this will be a reminder of things that I've told you that i feel and some will be a new view or perspective:

i talk a lot about the person that i see when i see you, i tell you of your beauty both inside and out.  I've never exaggerated any part of how i feel with regards to this.  the internal beauty that you poses is intoxicating.  it is electric and addictive.  it is full of life at its best and the more i get to know you and spend time with you the more I'm convinced of your absolute perfection.  a perfection that takes on many forms, your ability to see past a persons exterior and to look into their soul.  your willingness to see the good in people who hurt you. your strength to continue to get up and push back at life when it pushes you down.  your ability to wade through adversity even when hope seems lost, and your ability to find and hold onto the slimmest piece of hope.  your ability to hold onto successes and let them encourage you through times of setbacks.  all of these strong character attributes you've gained make you the person that you are, and as a result, they make a very large impact on the people that you choose to call friends.  some of this you earned through the trials that you've faced in life.  some have been instilled by your family, which i have an amazing respect for.  but all of these, the tip of the iceberg of the amazing person that you are, have affected me in a way that i will cherish for the rest of my life.  you have shown me how to live, made me a better person by showing me who i am at a deeper level.  you have made me realize things through your perspective of me that i would have never seen had you not been in my life.  you've shown me a way to live with freedom and without inhibition.  and whilst i learn from you everyday and it sometimes takes a while for me to truly understand, i could not be the person that i am today, or the person i will be tomorrow if it weren't for you.  so instead of celebrating a ticking clock, i choose to celebrate your impact on my life personally.  and the thing that really has me truly in awe of you is that i am just one person. a nobody.  a speck in your life filled with thousands of others.  and knowing what you've done for me, what you've shared, and given, and then realizing that there are so many others in your life.   i hope and pray that they see what i see.  that they understand what they have in their lives.  how truly special they are to get to say they know you.  dani you are truly unique and one of a kind.  people wait their entire lives and never meet a person like you.  i really count myself as lucky to have you in my life and i celebrate that.  as you and i continue down our paths through life i will always celebrate that.  and ill never get tired of it either.   the person that you are needs to be celebrated not for accomplishments but for the impact that you have left on this world.  and for the impact that you will continue to leave in the lives of those around you.  not to get dark but you once told me that one of your biggest fears is that you will not be remembered by this would. and i can honestly tell you that through the life that you are living and the impact that you have already made on those around you, your fears have already been overcome.  you have beaten, at such a young age, one of the things you've feared the most.  and this world has no idea what else it is in store for.  i know that you have so much more to give and i pray that you choose to give it to only the truly deserving, only to people that really understand what you mean.  who you are.  and no matter how long any of us have left in this world, i will until the day i die, always profess the goodness, happiness, caring, and light that you have brought to my life. i know i can get a little winded sometimes when putting into written word what i think and feel and i apologize for that.  but the time it took to write this and the time it will take to read are but passing moments in life.  and i believe that if i don't tell you how i feel or what i think, that i am ultimately letting you down and not living up to the standard that you have allowed me to set for myself.  i hope that these words find you well, and fill you with happiness.  i know that times can be tough and all i ever want to be for you is what you've been for me. I love you.  truly and completely.  have an amazing day, just as i tell you everyday, but know that i am celebrating you, not the clock or the things that you've accomplished in life, but the person that you are and the person that i love.

Consequences

Ive always known the consequences of my general relationship with you. I went into this fully knowing most of the possible outcomes. The one I prepared myself for was not what eventually happened. I fell in love with you. And whilst this love and passion that I have for you cannot be acted on right now that doesn't mean that I don't care. It also doesn't mean that I can easily change directions with the way that I think. Sometimes I say or do things that are not right. That seem as though I don't trust you. This is not the case. Im just an idiot sometimes. Please take these things at that and that alone. I never want to feel as though there is a rift between us. I want the feelings that I know that we share to eventually lead to something epic. Be that a friendship that is unmatched and unrivaled, or something else entirely. Something that is written about long after we are gone. You are my greatest friend. You inspire me in soooo many ways. Your spirit and character are things that I aspire to have and reach. The consequences that I long for are the good ones. The positive consequences of knowing and finding your emotional and spiritual equal in life. Finding the person that completes the half of us that we are all missing. I've said it before and I still maintain that you are that for me. Now like most people that have something special with a friend or someone who is more, I don't always know how to react to every situation so I ask for forgiveness and understanding in that sometimes I let my mind get the best of me. Please know that my heart is always yours. As is my eternal support and friendship. Don't ever be afraid to speak your mind with me for fear of what I might say or do or think. Deep down I love you. As a friend, a soulmate and as the person that completes everything about me. My princess.

promises

to you my love, there are several promises that i have made and will always uphold through the good and the bad.  most importantly, i will always love you.... unconditionally.  through the good and the bad i will never waver from that.  i promise that i will always be there for you.  when you're happy, sad, sick, well, through any and all situations.  as you already have, you can continue to count on me for absolutely anything.  i want to be the first person that you call in an emergency, and i want to be the first person you call during a major victory in life.  because i will be there to answer, no matter what.  i promise to be a shoulder to cry on, i promise to be encouraging to you and to be honest with you in all things.  I've never met anyone who has touched my life and inspired me the way that you have.  you make it very easy for me to see your best qualities, because you don't have any bad ones.  your strength and resilience inspire me to put into words the way that i feel about you.  encouraging you through a tough moment and describing your qualities is a joy to me, because you make it so.  you, my love, are everything.  I've waited my whole life to find love like this.  love that is perfect in its imperfections.  love that is required to climb mountains and cross valleys.  love that has and will continue to face hardships.  love that brings joy, and sadness and fulfillment.  you will always be able to count on me my love.  for everything and anything.  to you, i promise that.  i love you, my perfect princess, my best friend.

Meaning

So today you'll read this and I need you to understand its true meaning. You're always talking about wanting to leave your mark in this world and I have more respect for that than you know. The meaning of all of this is to show you, my love, the mark that you've left on me. The goodness that you posses is far beyond your art, your body, your music, your poetry. It's the essence behind those things. The mark that you've left on me is not just a passing memory... It is everlasting and will ultimately shape the rest of my life and hopefully yours as this inner beauty that you have has drawn me to you and as a result, it has changed your life by bringing me into it. My words are but a fraction of my true thoughts and in this medium, I've tried to accurately depict what Im really thinking and feeling. This also stands as an everlasting tribute to you, and all the good and perfect attributes that you have, you, the most perfect person I've ever known. Your strength, and beauty, and character, and charisma, and your heart deserve a lasting space, to call your own. A memorial to your living virtues for the world to see. Your ability to touch those in your life needs to be shared, expressed, discussed, and ultimately imitated. The world would be better for it. I know this because I am better for it. You know that I will always be a permanent source of strength for you, which is the least I could do to repay you for the happiness that you have brought me. I love you soooo much, and whilst times are hard right now I know and have hope for better times in the future. Please understand the true meaning of this journal, these letters directly from my heart. Understand that they are ultimately a testimony to the perfect goodness of your heart and soul. You are, and will always be a princess to me but also to the world that I only wish could know and love you as I do. My perfect angel.

happiness and importance

today started so bad, my fault and honestly there was no excuse for it.  but damn.  I've been able to show you this.  this, which consumes my time away from you.  which allows my honesty so shine through the murky waters.  which allows my feelings the wings necessary to fly.  you know now the true nature of my heart, and you've returned the gesture in a way that i can't describe with words.  i cried today, out of happiness and love.  i shared my deepest thoughts and feelings with my one true love and was given yet more reasons to love you.  you make me so happy i can't even describe it.  you make me want to quote cheesy song lyrics just to describe with words the tip of how i feel and how you make me feel.  thank you my love.  you told me today that i make you feel important, that made me so happy yet sad at the same time.  because you ARE important.  not just to me, but to your close friends that love you, to your parents who cherish you, and to the world.  the mark you've already left is more than most will ever achieve, but that brings me back to your potential.  because the mark that you will eventually leave, your legacy, will go beyond the scope of what you've dreamed.  your importance to this world is so much that not even i really understand the scale.  you my love are a rare and special individual.  and you let other people make you forget that sometimes and you shouldn't.  you're someone that will always be ahead of the pack, I've stated before what that will drain from you but you're getting past that now.  i also saw something tonight that made me very happy.  you probably caught my smiles about it.  whilst we sat among our friends they commented on it in jest, but i saw you get back something tonight thats been missing.  you stopped stressing and starting taking care of yourself.  that also made me happy.  i love you so much.  i long for your happiness.  and i will always be close, and here.  the conversation that we had filled me with so much happiness, and joy, and warmth.  all i wanted to do was take you away from the bs and kiss you, and hold you.  you snuck in a hug that set my heart on fire.  god i love you.  my perfect friend, my constant, my confidant, my princess. my love

Apology

I'm sorry. Im sorry for the way things have turned out, for the stupid things I sometimes say. For the stress that I've caused you. For the hard times I put you through. There are times that I wish I could take so much of it back. There are times that I long for it to be as it was. That said there are a couple of things that I'm not sorry for and don't want to take back. Chief among them being that I had the opportunity to fall in love with you. I don't regret that for a minute, and never will. Through actions not of our own we've been pulled apart and I know that I have to accept that for the time being. It's hard for me. It's difficult to feel as though you've list the best thing that you've ever had. To not really say what you're thinking to the one person that really matters. Im sorry that I havnt been able to handle that in the best way. It's not easy for me. This is the only way that I can express what I really feel. Sometimes that cloudiness leads me to say things in a way that come out unintended. You're the most beautiful person I've ever known. It's hard for me to not tell you that on a daily basis. All I want to do is be close to you, hold you in my arms. Bc it's not just your physical beauty that attracts me to you, it's everything about you. Your very essence, inspires me to write this every day. This, my love is what i really think. An untampered look into my soul. Free of inhibitions or restrictions that I have around you. You already know I love you, and I'm ultimately sorry for everything I've ever done to you but that.... I'll never be sorry for sharing my heart with you and opening myself up to the joy and pain associated with that. One day you'll read this, and hopefully understand. I love you.

determination

babe, i love your determination.  i need you to have more of that.  i need you to stay strong.  i need you to continue to push forward and to continue to be amazing.  you have so many decisions and opportunities in your future and your drive and determination are going to be what gets you through it.  don't let anybody distract you from that, including me.  keep your eyes on the goals that you've set for yourself.  you're amazing, and you're life is so precious, and as you continue to push forward with life please understand that your determination is one of your absolute sexiest qualities to me.  and now as chapters are turning over in life, that inner drive that you have, along with the support of those that truly love you, will get you through.  be brave my love, continue to be strong.  continue to ride the edge and fulfill your dreams.  and know that you have my support in all things.  i will continue to be yours in all things.  you have my trust and love and faith and hope, in everything that you do, through every change.  and as i told you the other day i will be there literally as much as i feasibly can be.  you inspire me, your spirit touches me, your life means so much to me my love.  i love you.

now is all we have

this notion has really been going through my head lately.  really the last few days, its had me both bummed out and really happy.  i know that this is the reality that you live with all the time.  we've spoken about it.  and everyone lives this to some extent everyday.  but lately its really been hitting me hard.  this is our life.  our time down the road isn't guaranteed, our time right now is all we can hold onto.  i love you, and will always love you.  and whilst the future isn't clear, i will always be yours.  i respect the hell out of you for living your live as freely as you have.  by doing what you want when you want.  that is what originally brought us together.  that is what has allowed both of us to be freely open with each other.  the way that you live your life has given me so much, it gave me you, it gave me my best friend.  it gave me so much happiness that I've always had trouble really describing it.  i respect and love you for that.  for the opportunity to learn how to live.  how to step back from the predetermined doldrums of life and to live in the moment.  the time that I've been so incredibly lucky to share with you will remain in my heart as the best times in my life.  bc I've gotten to share them with what i can only describe as the most perfect, beautiful, amazing, incredible, stunning, giving, sharing, and free person that i know.  you give so much of yourself and i always warn you against it when it comes to those who don't appreciate you, but i count myself as truly alive, living in the now bc of what you've shared of yourself with me.  and i love you for that.  i appreciate you for that.  and you, my best friend are the example that i try to live my life by.  your ability to live in the moment inspires me.  it encourages me and give me hope.  i love you my princess, and i thank you for showing me how to be a better person and helping me get there.  your the only true friend that I've ever had that has done that for me.