freaked out

when i spoke to you on the phone i was still kind of in shock, with adrenaline flowing through my veins i wasn't even able to keep my hands still.  i can't tell you this, but all i was thinking about was you.  that was the only thing running through my mind.  for what seemed like an eternity, time stopped and my thought immediately went to you.  i didn't want it to be over, i wanted more time, all i could think about was never getting to see your face.  never getting to hear your voice.  never getting to hold you in my arms.  I've only cried a couple of times in my adult life and when the car stopped and i could breath again, i did just that.  knowing that i almost missed the chance to see you one last time, to hear you laugh, to hold your hand, i was so freaked out.  i would immediately thought that nobody would understand what i was feeling but after having the time to reflect, i know that you know exactly what i was feeling.  when it happened i wasn't able to get my phone, they wouldn't let me call you.  i felt at that moment so alone in this world.  unable to talk to the one person i truly care about.  which caused me so much stress.  i can't even describe the horrible thoughts that were going through my mind with regards to what might happen, what might become of me.  i do know when you came into my thought i felt both incredibly happy and terribly sad at the same time.  i thought i was going to die.  and had that been the case you would have been in my thoughts until the last second.  but at the same time my heart was filled with so much regret.  such a sense of failure and lack of accomplishment.  but not professionally, i felt in that split second that lasted so long, as though i had failed you, i had failed to make you realize the truth of how i feel.  that i had let the one thing that I've ever really known to be right and good, with every ounce of my being, out of my hands. and as i sat down after the entire ordeal i was filled with so many conflicted emotions. i was happy beyond belief that my number hadnt been called.  i was grateful that i had been spared.  but at the same time i was filled with several realizations.  that i could've been taken from this world in that instant and that i could've gone without ever really acting on the only true and perfect love that I've ever known.  you can't know everything that went through my mind in those brief moments.  i still can't find all of the words to properly describe my thoughts and emotions.  but i can tell you that everything in me was focused on trying to get out of this safely enough to see you again. i love you soooooo much my perfect princess.  you can't ever fully know but i really do.